Zell's Band
by Saint Louise
Summary: The Contest is here! Selphie's confident, Raijin's boxers: REVEALED, Zell has an 'accident', Seifer wants to run away, Cid just wants to listen to The Carpenters and there's a distinctly Scottish feel to the proceedings. Guest-starring ChocoRacer and Cele
1. The beginning...Yoo! Please, you guys?

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Zell's Band

Part 1

"Yoo! Come on, you guys! Please?" Zell Dincht, Balamb Garden's resident rowdy punk begged his 'friends'.

"Nope. No way I'm bein' in a boy band." Seifer Almasy declared with his trademark smirk.

"Damn right. I ain't going near any stage." Irvine Kinneas agreed.

"But…but… you did in the Garden Festival! Come on!" Zell yelled. "Squall?" he implored.

"Not to reinstate my over-used former phrase, but…whatever." Squall grinned. After the Sorceress' defeat, Squall had opened up a lot more to his friends.

"Yeah! Get it into your dumb Chicken-Wuss head that there ain't gonna be no band!" Seifer yelled.

"But guys…" Zell whined, "The prize if you win is…a year's supply of HOT DOGS!"

Squall grimaced. "Even less reason to join, then."

"Yoo! You guys are so mean!" Zell screamed.

"Yeah, so? You wanna make somethin' of it?" Seifer asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"N-no. But please! You guys have to! Raijin?" Zell asked.

"Nah, ya know? Gotta go with the boss' ideas." Raijin gestured at Seifer.

"MUSICAL TALENT, NONE." Fujin announced, glaring at Raijin.

"Who asked you, eye-patch girl?" Zell said crossly. Before he knew what was happening, Fujin had yelled 'RAGE!' and kicked him very hard in the knee. (It would have been the shin, but since Zell's such a dwarf…)

"Oww!" Zell shrieked and started crying. "Yoo! My legs are like toothpicks! You saw them when we faced Ultimecia! You coulda BROKEN them! That's it! HAIR STRIKE!" 

With these 'threatening' words, he charged head down at Fujin, missed her and smacked into Raijin, impaling him on his stupid spiky Chocobo-hair.

"Yeah, baby! That's what nine cans of hairspray a day can DO!" Zell yelled triumphanly, while Raijin whimpered, "I'm bleedin', ya know?"

Fujin nodded. "IMPALED." She said to Seifer, who was trying very hard to stifle his laughter. Irvine and Squall had already failed and were rolling on the floor laughing.

"Guys? If you come in my band, I won't tell Cid you sneak out every Wednesday to play Poker with the girls…" Zell said, an evil look in his eyes.

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Will Zell ever get his band? Will the other boys' secrets be revealed? Will Squall and Irvine ever stop laughing? Will Raijin survive? Find out in the next exciting installment of… ZELL'S BAND!


	2. The making of the band...Yoo! Annabelle!

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Zell's Band

Part 2

"Umm… Polka?" Seifer asked innocently.

"Yeah, more like str…OWW!" Raijin shouted as Seifer delivered a quick blow to the back of the head. "It's more like…snap." He managed a weak grin.

"Don't lie, you guys. I know what you're up to." Zell said, as threateningly as he could, which wasn't much.

"Honestly, man. Snap." Irvine repeated, having managed to stop laughing.

"Take it from your commander, Chick…I mean, Zell, We only 'sneak' out to play snap." Squall said, stifling a snort.

"Yoo! I can't believe you guys! FINE! I bet Annabelle will be in my band!" Zell screamed.

"Zell…Annabelle's a plush COW! SHE'S NOT REAL!" Seifer hooted.

"Is too! She can talk! Moo! Moo!" Zell shrieked, brandishing a small, orange plush cow. "Listen!" he pressed the cow's nose, emitting a squeak. "See?"

"Listen, Chicken-Wuss, that's a damn toy, and you're mentally unstable. And gay." Seifer said boredly.

"Yoo! THEIFER! Umm, I mean, YOO! SEIFER! I am not gay! I just act that way to get the chicks!" Zell screeched in rage. "BATHTARD! I'm telling QUITHTITH! Umm, QUISTIS!"

Irvine cocked an eyebrow and looked at Squall, who just shook his head, as if to say, _Don't ask_.

Suddenly, there was a shriek of triumph and a group of girls came running onto the quad.

"We rock!" the leader of the group cried, bouncing along.

"_Selphie???_'" Irvine said in disbelief.

"Woohoo! We got a band! We're gonna WIN!" Selphie yelled, deafening everyone in her vicinity.

"BAND. ME, SELPHIE, QUISTIS, RINOA." Fujin stated proudly.

"Way to go, Fu, ya know?!" Raijin said happily.

"Woohoo! Bags I lead vocals and guitar!" Selphie screamed again.

"Well, as long as I play Bass, then that's OK," said Rinoa.

"ME, DRUMS." confirmed Fujin.

"Well, I guess that leaves me with keyboard." Quistis said.

"Hey, ladies," said Irvine. "I claim number one spot as groupie!"

"PERVERT!" Fujin yelled, kicking Irvine square in the shin.

"Well, then," said Squall challengingly, "If you girls can do it, we sure as hell can."

"Yeah! I'm playin' guitar, anyone disagrees, their necks meet my Hyperion." Seifer said menacingly.

"Yoo! Thanks, you guys! Bags I TAP DANCING!" Zell yelled happily. The other boys looked at him questioningly. "Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'm singing, too!"

"…Whatever." said Squall. "I guess I'll play Bass."

"No way, man! That's MY job! No fair!" Irvine yelled. "You can play drums!"

"No way, man! That's MY job!" Raijin repeated, adding a 'ya know?' at the end. "Squall can play SAX!"

"No." Squall said. "I am _not_ Mikio Endo. I'm playing…guitar. Seifer's lead guitar, I can be the other guy."

"Yoo! Thorry…uh, I mean, sorry, Annabelle. You can't be in!" Zell said, excited and sad at the same time. "Moo! That's all right, Zell! I'll go back to my grass! Moo!" Zell said shrilly, pretending to be Annabelle.

"I think it's _Zell_ on grass myself…" muttered Irvine to Seifer. Seifer nodded, adding, "I wouldn't be surprised…"

"Right, then!" Rinoa said excitedly. "Guys against girls! This is gonna be soooooo much FUN!"

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Who will win the contest? Is Zell on dope? Will anyone's ears recover in time for the show? Just how thin _are_ Zell's legs? Find out all this, and more, in the next 'exciting' installment of **Zell's Band**!

**A.N: In disc two, where you have to put on a show, I always make Zell tap-dance, because it's funny. Annabelle is based on this plush cow my baby sister has. Zell lisps sometimes because stereotypical gay people on TV do. That's all. (N.B: I have nothing against gay people at all! Some of my best friends are gay! So don't scream at me for that!) Okies, please review? ^_^**


	3. The idea... Yoo! She's Magical!

Zell's Band

Part 3

"OK. Now, who knows the words to any good pop songs?" Zell said.

"Umm, Zell, pop sucks. Besides, we would have to do dance moves," said Irvine, shuddering at the very thought. "I was thinking more along the lines of… Indie."

"Indie? What's that?" Zell asked, puzzled.

Seifer sighed in exasperation. "You wanted to be in a band, and you didn't know anything about alternative?"

"No!" Zell cried. "Those guys are mean and scary! Annabelle and me prefer to thtay… umm, stay in and listen to warm, friendly, huggy music like Britney or *NSYNC!" he grinned triumphantly. "Aren't we COOL!?"

"Noooo… you suck." said Squall. "I can't believe we agreed to this! I mean, what do you want us to be like? 98º? Backstreet Boys? A1? WESTLIFE? As if!"

"Damn…" said Zell, as one by one his pictures for the band evaporated. "But there _is_ one group…"

"Well, can't be any worse than them groups, ya know?" Raijin said confidently, as the boys got into a huddle. Zell revealed his plans, and Squall, Seifer and Irvine would have screamed, but it wasn't manly. Raijin, however, screamed like a little girl, or Barret.

"No way, man…" Irvine backed away. "I think I'll just be a groupie for the chicks…"

"No you don't," Seifer said, catching hold of his sleeve. "You're perfect for the part…"

"I am NOT wearing that!" Squall yelled. "I am a respectable commander, for God's sake!"

"Oh, yeah? Then what was that rumour I heard about you and Rinoa, and your desk?" Seifer said with an evil twinkle in his eye. "And I mean HEARD…"

Squall went cherry-red. "Shut up!" he hissed. But it was too late…

"Oh, yeah, ya know?" Raijin said, although his normal speaking voice was like a foghorn. "I heard about that too, Squall and Rinoa makin' whoopee on his desk…"

"PERVERT!" said Fujin for the second time that day, kicking Raijin hard in the shin, then thinking the better of it, and aiming for his groin instead. Raijin howled, or rather squeaked, in pain. "F-Fu, ya know? Hurts, ya know? Delicate, ya know?" he squeaked, tears in his eyes.

"THOP… umm, STOP SAYING YA KNOW!" yelled Zell. "And let's get everything sorted."

"Ha ha, ya know? Glad I got drums to hide behind." Raijin made his first good point all day. Nope, sorry, all _week_. Year, even.

"Well," shrieked Selphie, deafening everyone except Irvine, who had built up a natural immunity to her yelling, "We're gonna whoop your asses! We rock! You guys are a bunch of… umm…umm…guys with no musical talent! Yeah, that's it. That's what you are!"

"Yoo! Thelphie! We are tho not crap! We're gonna rock! You'll see!" Zell boomed, after regaining his hearing. "We have Annabelle! The best musical talent EVER!"

"The words stuffed, cow and mentally unstable come to mind…" Seifer muttered to Raijin, while trying to make a break for it.

"Yoo! THEIFER! I see you! Come back here! There's no escape! Annabelle sees all!" Zell shouted, brandishing Annabelle and making her squeak. "Yeah, not only is Annabelle magical, she's also versatile! Look, she has this mirror on her tummy, which is perfect for checking my RAD hair, and crinkly feet, which are fun to crinkle, and she has a bell on her tail! She's _amazing_!"

"…Whatever," Squall uttered, rolling his eyes.

"Ah, but can she defend you against mean ol' monsters?" Seifer said wickedly, grinning.

"Why?" asked Zell defensively.

"Oh… no reason…" Seifer said absently. "Oh, Sammy! C'mere!"

Suddenly, Seifer's pet Tri-Face, Sammy, loped into the room.

"Tri-Face! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!" Zell screamed, and promptly fainted.

"Hehehehe. I guess that got us out of his lame band, huh, fellas?" Seifer said in relief, petting Sammy on the head. "OK, you can go hide in Zell's sock drawer now, Sammy. Make it a good 'un." Sammy ran off obediently, snickering like a certain dog from 'Wacky Races'.

"Nice one, Seifer. You got us out of that one." said Irvine gratefully.

"Zell! No!" screamed Selphie. "FULL-LIFE!"

"No, Selphie! No!" Squall yelled, but it was in vain. Zell was revived and got to his feet.

"So, guys. Now, it's time to JAM!" he cried with a flourish, and as an afterthought, added, "You too, Annabelle!"

This time, Seifer, Irvine and Squall did scream. So did Raijin, but then, that's nothing new…

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What horrific thing does Zell have planned for everyone's favourite boys? Will he find Sammy? Will Selphie find intelligence? And, who will win? Find out in the next exciting installment of: Zell's Band!

Note: I like Selphie, it's just her turn to be scapegoat. I like Zell too, I just think he acts a bit gay sometimes. R&R, and I promise I'll read and review your stories, too. *^_^*

P.S. HI MATTHEW! You finished my CD yet? ^_^

~*Louise²ºº¹~*


	4. The contest, part 1... Yoo! Give me my P...

Zell's Band

Part 4

Zell opened his sock drawer.

"Hmm, gotta get my pretty pink thockth!" he said to himself. Suddenly, something huge jumped out. Something with teeth. Huge, sharp teeth.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh! Tri-Face!" he screamed, fainting.

Sammy snickered and trotted obediently back to Seifer's room.

"Did you hear something?" Squall asked Rinoa suspiciously.

"What?" she said, frowning.

"I said, 'DID YOU JUST HEAR SOMETHING?'" Squall bellowed.

"No, I'm still deafened from when Selphie screamed that we were gonna win the contest," Rinoa grimaced.

"Yeah, she sure can scream."

"That's what Irvine told me…" Rinoa grinned.

"Look, we need to get out of this stupid band," Irvine said worriedly.

"Duh! State the obvious, Cowboy! Speaking of lame-ass bands, I wonder where Chicken-Wuss is?" said Seifer.

"I dunno, ya know? But them costumes he'll have us wearin' are worrying' me already." Raijin stated.

"Yoo! Thammy! Stop that!" Zell screamed, running onto the quad.

"Here he comes," Irvine said.

Sammy loped onto the quad, a large piece of material in his mouth.

"Hmm," Seifer observed. "Hello Kitty,"

"Sammy! Give me back my PANTH!" Zell screeched, holding a potted plant over his butt.

"Ha! Zell wears Hello Kitty briefs, ya know!?" Raijin hooted, falling to the ground.

"Tho what? You wear Deputy Dawg boxers!" Zell retorted crossly.

"Well, I, um… Hey, how do you know?" Raijin asked incredulously. "You been peepin' on me or somethin'?"

"No! Why the hell would I do that?" Zell yelled.

"Because you're gay?" Seifer asked offhandedly.

"Yoo! Theifer! I am tho not GAY!" Zell howled.

"Are too," Seifer argued.

"ARGUMENT, STOP." Fujin said. "ZELL, GAY."

Seifer gave Fujin a high five, grinning. "I knew you'd come through, Fu,"

"WE WIN!" Selphie squealed.

"Selphie, the contest hasn't started yet, babe," Irvine pointed out.

"I know! I'm just saying it now, because it's obvious! Duh!" she screamed again.

Zell, meanwhile, had been looking very embarrassed in a corner. The janitor came by.

"Och, what's wrong wi' you, laddie?" he asked.

"Yoo! Theifer's thtupid Tri-Face ripped my pants!" Zell complained.

"Och! I kin fix tha'!" the janitor reassured him. "Come along wi' me, laddie. I'll have ye fixed up in nae time!"

Before long, Zell was back, blushing more than ever.

"Zell's wearing a SKIRT!" Seifer guffawed. "It suits you!"

Irvine, Squall, Raijin and Fujin screamed with laughter. (Actually, Raijin screamed because the kilt blew up and Zell flashed him.)

"Yoo! Shut up, you guys! Annabelle, attack!" Zell shrieked.

__

Ding-dong! The PA system sounded. _The band contest is about to start, all contestants, please take your places at the stage!_

"Yay! Judgement day!" Rinoa whooped, running off to the stage, where Quistis was waiting. 

"Everything okay, Rinoa?" she asked.

"Yeah, but the boys haven't appeared yet," Rinoa replied.

"That's okay!" Selphie hollered. "Easier for us to win!"

"Attention please!" Headmaster Cid shouted through the microphone. "The contest is now officially underway! Our first contestant, please!"

0/~ Oh, my hero, 

So far away now,

Will I ever see your smile…? 0/~

"Celes?! Get off the stage! You're not even in this Final Fantasy! Boo!" Selphie hollered.

The music came to an abrupt stop and Celes stuck her finger up at Selphie before being frog-marched off the stage. "I'll get you for this, Tilmit! Mark my words! I had them fooled!" she hissed threateningly.

"Oh, yeah? I'm not scared of you, Locke's bitch!" Selphie retorted.

"How dare you? I'm gonna…" Celes was cut short by Sammy, who opened his mouth and clutched her between his teeth, carrying her off.

"Now _that's_ security!" Rinoa quipped.

"Umm, after that 'interruption', we welcome contestant number two!" Cid boomed.

0/~ Until the break of dawn 

Life life 

Cannot go by the letter 

Time time 

Prozac can make it better 

Noise noise 

Any kind will do 

Can you feel it slip away 

When it's all on you 

Crime crime 

Rockin' like Janet Reno 

Time time 

Eighteen and life in Chino 

Freud Freud 

All along it's true 

Well you'll see there comes a day 

Catches up to you 

Knock down the walls, it's alive in you 

Knock down the place, you're alone it's true 

Knock down the world, it's alive in you 

You gotta keep your head up through it all 

You're gonna 

Bust out on it - original prankster

Break out yeah - original yeah 

Bust out on it - original prankster 

You never stop now, stop now 

That's what the main man say… 0/~

"Jess?!" Selphie exclaimed and, seeing the venomous glare the girl on stage gave her, carried on with, "You go, girl!" Because, after all, it's not very wise to boot a fanfic author offstage, not when in their next fic they could erase you completely…

Jess carried on with her rendition of Offspring's 'Original Prankster' having silenced Selphie (hard job to do) and finished to roaring applause. She bowed and looked at her watch.

"Damn it, I gotta get back to my radio show! Laters, everyone! If I win, phone up and tell me, okay? Bye!" with this, she dashed off back to the Balamb Radio building.

"Now, after that sparkling rendition, it's time for contestant number three." Cid said, quite taken aback with what he called 'noisy modern music'. He preferred The Carpenters.

Suddenly, a troop of boys, um, trooped onto the quad. Fujin fell over, Quistis gaped, Selphie screamed -a more frequent event for her than anyone else- and Rinoa just stared.

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Why is everyone staring? Who will win? What will Celes do to Selphie and Co. if she ever gets out of Sammy's teeth? Will Irvine actually get to become a groupie? What will Annabelle's role in the band be? Is Zell still wearing that skirt? Find out all this and more in the next 'exciting' installment of ZELL'S BAND!

A/N: Jess, it's a deal. I wrote this, you have to let me guest star now! 

TRUST IN ANNABELLE.

ANNABELLE IS YOUR BOVINE SAVIOUR.

For further reference, refer to 'The Ten Commandments Of Annabelle'.


End file.
